now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
