my phone needs a breathalizer
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I AM VODKA MAN
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
