how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
