They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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