I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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