She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
