please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
