new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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