I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
