im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
