does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize