12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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