I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
