Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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