my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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