What did we do last night that was yellow?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize