just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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