My brain says no but my pants say off.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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