In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
