he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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