My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm both gender and math confused
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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