i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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