his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize