I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
foreskin is a definite game changer
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
