guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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