I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
