Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
