Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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