My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
