I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
