He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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