Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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