When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
