3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
