So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
