I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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