I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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