He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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