he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Boobs are out for the taking
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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