Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
and she was petting her beer can
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?