I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
