I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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