she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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