he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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