some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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