Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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