i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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