Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
