I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
