Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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