i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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