nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
