Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
