First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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