When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
