I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
