It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
